That’s me in the video, the brushtailed possum, that is. And you might think it’s a cute little funny video. Many people on the internet do. But what you don’t know is the truth behind how my life spiraled and almost ended in my complete and utter demise. And it all started with a few french fries and some sauce.
At first, the french fries were enough. They gave me the fix that I needed, and I enjoyed them. You know, I’d do a few french fries and then go run a few laps with some friends around the trees, then head back to do some more french fries. My buddies tried warning me. “Hey bro, you’re starting to go a little overboard with your french fry usage.” And I would assure them, “No, I’ve got it under control. They don’t control me. I can stop whenever I want.”
It wasn’t long thereafter that I found myself spending all of my money on chicken strips with honey mustard sauce from any restaurant I could get them from. And that was all good. I would do some chicken strips, hit the club, dance all night, go home, pass out, rinse and repeat.
Still, the people in my life tried to warn me, and a few of them started to drift away as they understandably saw the damage I was doing to my own life.
It didn’t take long before I was doing tricks in the parking lots, like backflips and riding around on a ball for people’s entertainment, just so I could go get steak fingers covered in barbecue sauce. I ended up snorting steak fingers with barbecue sauce off of the toilet seat in the restaurant’s bathroom before passing out on the floor, waking up to the staff knocking on the door trying to get my attention so they could come in and clean up the mess that I had made.
I knew I had to get help, so I worked really hard to get myself clean with some help from another possum and a few kangaroos I knew. It took me a few years of working at it, but finally I’m proud to announce that I’ve now been clean for about two weeks.
Talking about this is giving me the shakes though. Oh my god, I cannot handle it anymore. I’ve got to go get some chicken strips. Just a couple chicken strips, bro. I swear. Just a couple chicken strips, maybe some french fries, and I’ll be done this time.
I’ll be done.
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