Rambling in Walmart

A Social Experiment

I was recently very bored. Yes, I mean that next-level kind of bored where you kind of want to chew your own fingers off just to feel something. I decided, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go see what it’s like to walk around in public talking loudly to myself and even yelling at myself to see what happens.

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I would dress up in my dirtiest work clothes and even take the time before I left to dribble some food on myself and let it get all stuck in my beard, just to add to the effect.

I also decided to add one other sort of device to this experiment. The idea was to talk or yell at myself in a way that sounded like I was talking about other people. For instance, if I saw a woman in a blue dress, I would yell at myself, “Yeah, it’s a nice dress, but it’d look better on her husband,” then see where that took me and how it went.

The results were exactly what most intelligent people would imagine. Being bullheaded though, I had to figure it out for myself.

The first place I decided to go was, can you guess it? Yes. Walmart. Because where is a better place in the world to go yell at yourself than in the middle of a Walmart?

I walked into the Walmart right when it opened early in the morning, and there were already a few people in there. I started walking around in the back because I wanted to make sure I was away from employees so I didn’t immediately get removed. Then I started talking to myself.

At first I talked to myself with my earbuds in to get my nerves up, hoping people might just think I was on the phone. After a while, once I got brave enough, I took those out and continued to talk to myself.

Most of the time people assumed I was still on the phone because I was just saying simple things like, “Well, I don’t really need that for the stew… I’ll take some chicken instead.”

Eventually I knew I had to level up my madness a bit.

The first thing I yelled out loud was, “I didn’t hide the bodies in the basement. I hid them in the attic.”

That got some attention.

An older lady and her husband immediately turned and hightailed it out. I’m pretty sure they left the store entirely. I did not see them again for the rest of the time I was at Walmart. They looked absolutely terrified, and with a comment like that, who can really blame them?

A little while later, still in the same Walmart, an individual came in who looked like he was an up-and-coming general manager at a bank or something. He was dressed in his Sunday best with a suit and tie and talking on the phone himself.

I got close to him and started mumbling things about his suit. Things like, “Does he think he’s better than me because he wears a suit? I bet you I’ve got more character in my underwear than he has in his entire body.”

He seemed to notice it was me but didn’t really seem to care that much. Honestly, why would he? I was dirty, wearing clothes with nasty stains all over them and talking to myself. Most of the time when I run into people like that I generally ignore them as well.

He wasn’t giving me the attention I wanted, so it felt necessary to take things up a notch yet again.

At the top of my lungs I started yelling things like, “No, we’re not going to report him to the IRS. He’s a good guy. Instead we will steal his car.”

That got his attention.

At first it looked like he might just walk away. Instead he turned around and spoke to me very sternly in his best big-kid voice. This guy was not a large human being and he did not look very strong, yet he faced up against me, which honestly I respect.

He said, “Who are you talking to? Are you talking about me?”

I looked at him in the calmest voice I could manage, as nurturing as possible, and said, “Hey. It’s not all about you, buddy. I don’t even know who you are.”

Then I walked off.

Actually… I skipped off. Skipping like a little girl on a playground at ten years old.

I turned once to see his expression, and it was priceless. Everything in me struggled not to burst out laughing right then and there.

At that point someone must have reported me to the Walmart staff because they came and asked me to leave. According to them, once I was back on my meds I could feel free to return. Whatever that meant.

I yelled something about them being racist anti-Semites and probably homophobic as well. They mostly just scoffed and escorted me out the door.

One more stop seemed reasonable before heading home.

I decided to stop at a fast food place, grab something to eat, sit down, and loudly complain to myself about the food without directly insulting any employees. The goal was to see how long that would last.

McDonald’s made sense since they’re open early, and pairing Walmart with McDonald’s felt appropriate considering both corporations have a… reputation.

I went in, got my food, sat in a corner, and started aggressively talking to myself about how my sausage sandwich didn’t taste anything like a hamburger. My rant included threats to report the situation to their general manager, who I loudly claimed was a close personal friend of mine. According to my rant, that poor excuse for a hamburger would absolutely lead to me getting free happy meals for life.

Unlike Walmart, the employees and customers there seemed to think I was some sort of amateur comedian. Most of them just glanced over occasionally and laughed with their friends.

Completely different results compared to talking to myself in Walmart.

Eventually the whole thing got boring. I bore pretty easily, and if they weren’t freaking out what was the point. The experiment ended shortly after that, and I went home where I sat and talked to myself while my dog stared at me weirdly.

That part actually happens every day, so nothing new there.

The End!

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